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DELIRIUM - PHOTO OF GIOIA

Ahh, Mario Bava...

The name itself conjures up images of lovely women moving through gorgeous sets on their way to meet the most horrific of terrors. Beautiful lighting and baroque camera angles, expressionistic and wonderfully imaginative

Huh?

What's that?

Wrong Bava?

Oh I see... Well then...

Lamberto Bava...

The name itself conjures up images of cheaply made films brimming with sometimes lovely women moving through boring locations on their way to meet the most boring of overdone terrors. Made-for-TV quality lighting and obvious camera angles, simple and tired direction and all the leftover bits from screenplays past coalesce to create films you swear you've seen before.

How's that? Too much?

Nah, not enough. Lamberto Bava reeks of hack. He's not only lacking his father's eye for beautiful images but he's lacking the balls of his contemporaries. While he has made a few decent films - MACABRE and DEMONS spring to mind - the majority of his work is dull and pitiful.

Take DELIRIUM for example. This is an average, run-of-the-mill giallo that barely gets out of first gear. The most original idea the film can come up with is that the killer begins hallucinating before each murder, turning his otherwise beautiful victims into monstrosities. Because of that, we have a scene of a woman whose face has transformed into a giant eyeball. When absurdity is needed to inject some life in a film, you know something's not right.

DELIRIUM stars Serena Grandi's tits as... What? Why are you looking at me like that? Have you seen the film? Isn't it obvious from the first 30 or 40 seconds that Ms. Grandi's astounding bosom is the raison d'etre of the whole film? OK, fine. I'll play it straight.

Serena Grandi stars as Gloria, a former fashion model who has basically inherited the editor in chief job at Pussycat Magazine - a kind of softcore nudie/art magazine - from her recently dead husband. Her brother, Roberto, is the creative genius behind the pictorials and her assistant/co-worker/housemate, Evelyn, runs the business side of things. Gloria also has a neighbor named Mark, a creepy cripple that spies on her constantly with a telescope and harasses her day and night on the telephone. After a long day of shooting at her home, Gloria receives a phone call from Mark informing her that her model/friend Kim has just been killed in her swimming pool. When Gloria checks, there is no body. A day or so later, Gloria receives a picture of Kim's dead body. The police are called, suspicions are cast on just about everybody, George Eastman shows up out of the blue, people start dropping like flies, blah blah blah.

Damn it, I tried! I just can't take this shit seriously. It's lame. It's nonsense. It's lame AND it's nonsense. Everything about this film feels second-rate. I'm not sure if the performances in the film are as bad as they seem but the dubbing job sure doesn't help. Everything is flat and lifeless. No suspense is created, none of the locations are interesting and all of the characters are obnoxious and wafer-thin. The murder sequences are undoubtedly some of the lamest murder set-pieces in any giallo. My Shriek Show DVD has a little blurb on the back that reads

"Featuring the famous "bee attack" murder!!"

Famous?! Famous where?

It is one of the corniest scenes I've ever seen in a giallo film. Period. I've seen films where the killer has gone out of his or her way to perpetrate a ghastly, complicated murder scene but the "famous bee attack" scene leaves them all in the dust. Where did this guy get a shoe box-full of killer bees? Did he leave them in his car while he - spoiler alert - was inside trying unsuccessfully to have sex with the soon-to-be victim? Or does he just drive around all the time with a box of bees and a protective suit in his trunk? And why bees? Why not ferrets? Have her get eaten by a pack of hungry ferrets! No less stupid but unarguably a lot more practical.

Thank goodness for breasts. That's all I have to say. If it weren't for the near-constant nudity, I would have passed out during the first 45 minutes. Serena Grandi is often referred to as "the Italian Dolly Parton" and for very good reason. She is a stunning woman with a Russ Meyer body and Bava shoots her in long gliding pans and tight, tight close-ups. It's almost pervy but greatly appreciated.

So thank you, Serena Grandi's boobs! Without your help I never would have made it through this absolute piece of shit!

In all seriousness here, folks. Life is much too short to spend it watching Lamberto Bava movies. See DEMONS, see MACABRE and then just walk away. Spend those 90 minutes doing something you love WITH someone you love. Plant a tree, volunteer at an animal shelter or read a damned book. Just don't waste your precious time watching Lamberto Bava movies. Even you guys out there who are now intrigued by my admiration for Serena Grandi's breasts, DO NOT buy this movie or rent it from Netflix. Just go to Google and type in her name. Save a few to your hard drive if you must. Just please don't waste your time with this movie.

Because, if you do, you can never get those 90 minutes back. And is that a sacrifice you're willing to make?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm???

But, if you DO decide to see this film, just remember that I warned you. Putz.

Not recommended at all.