FANTOM KILER

Holy shit, dear Reader.


Roman Nowicki Fantom Kiler

I have seen plenty of terrible movies in my life but I have never seen something THIS awful. I don't even know where to begin with FANTOM KILER (yes, that's the correct spelling of the title). It's barely 90 minutes long but it took me twice that long to get through it. I couldn't make it through in a single viewing. You expect shot-on-DV, direct-to-video features to be garbage but this film takes garbage to a new level. It's barely plotted, consisting mostly of hot, fully nude Eurobabes stumbling around poorly lit locations, and barely acted, chock full of continuity errors and logical gaffs, shot in this haphazard style and littered with poorly executed video effects and transitions. I can barely believe this film was even released. After sitting through the mindfuck, snoozefest that was BOARDINGHOUSE, I didn't think it was possible to find a more boring, amateurish horror film. Boy, was I wrong.


Fantom Kiler

I don't know if it's even correct to call FANTOM KILER a horror film. It is ostensibly a slasher flick - with a killer clearly modeled on the killer from Mario Bava's giallo BLOOD AND BLACK LACE - but the execution plays out more like a cheap-o softcore romp. Nearly every scene features some clueless chick stripping out of her clothing. There literally is nothing else going on in this film. The entire picture follows this formula: girl is introduced, girl takes off clothes, girl walks around naked for a few minutes, girl gets killed. There is a long, pointless scene in which a young girl - who identifies herself as the winner of the "Miss Butt Beautiful" competition - bets a clueless janitor that he can't pull a greased-up wooden spoon out of her ass and a few moments featuring a pair of cops but these scenes have no place in the overall "narrative" of the film. Now, slasher films are not known for their plots but even the odious NEW YEAR'S EVIL and 555 attempted to tell a story. FANTOM KILER doesn't even bother trying.


Roman Nowicki Fantom Kiler

Instead, we're simply expected to be entertained by the parade of tits and stage blood. I, for one, was not. I'll be perfectly honest here. The women in this film are all top shelf lasses. Pound for pound, FANTOM KILER contains more attractive females than the entirety of the FRIDAY THE 13TH and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET franchises put together but who the hell cares when they're stuck in a film this goddamn bad? Half the time you can't even just relax and enjoy the goods on display as the film's director, Roman Nowicki - who would direct two of the three sequels to this film AND rework the film into a hardcore series called FANTOM SEDUCER - feels the need to constantly move the camera, constantly insert some kind of filter or overlay some bad video effect. It's a confusing film, this FANTOM KILER. One minute it wants to be a masturbatory romp and the next it wants to be a slasher film and the next it wants to be a comedy and the next it wants to be some kind of bottom-of-the-barrel art flick... Unlike BOARDINGHOUSE, it's insanity isn't strangely endearing. It's fucking frustrating.


Fantom Kiler

If the film's director thought he was creating something erotic, he was wrong - even the most undemanding of pud-pullers will have a hard time getting off on this. If he thought he was making something scary and disturbing, he was even more wrong. While the killer's methods of murder are tasteless - the women are all killed by being brutally and repeatedly stabbed in the vagina - the film robs the murders of any kind of power. It's simply hard to be offended or sickened, let alone disturbed, by the killings on display here. Feminists will probably be the only people bothered by anything this film has to offer - an extended torture scene involving a woman having a broomstick shoved up her ass will send them running for their pitchforks - everyone else will be bored to tears. Unless of course you share Mr. Nowicki's strange obsession with anal passages, that is. Then you will likely be tickled pink (or brown) by all the various anal-oriented stuff this flick has to offer - including an inside-the-rectum POV shot. Anyone else feel like they need a shower?


So congrats, Mr. Nowicki! You have single-handedly created the worst film I have ever seen! Not only did you manage to make an hour and a half of constant nudity boring but you also managed to make AMATEUR PORN STAR KILLER, BEWARE! CHILDREN AT PLAY!, and DEAD BOYZ CAN'T FLY look like masterpieces! It's a shame there isn't a hell for you to go to. Dick.


Absolutely terrible.