CHILDREN OF THE CORN (2009)

My family became the proud owners of a VHS player on Christmas day in 1989. I also received my first VHS tapes. They were Tim Burton's BATMAN, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD - the perfect three films to watch on Christmas. But the real present came the following day. My dad and I went to the local video rental store and got ourselves a membership. Now the video store would not rent R-rated films to anyone under the age of 17 but they allowed my dad to sign a concession form. Just like that, I had the run of the place. FACES OF DEATH, EMMANUELLE, CALIGULA, THE NEW YORK RIPPER... anything I wanted I could rent. I have never been more popular in my life. Suddenly, everyone wanted to spend the night at my house, knowing that they would be watching nudie films and gore flicks instead of Disney films and PG garbage.


But I'm getting off track.


There were several films I rented over and over again. CHILDREN OF THE CORN was one of them. I had seen the film several times before at my brother's house and on television. I was also familiar with the short story. I don't know why I liked that film as much as I did - I still find it an entertaining waste of time - but I simply never grew tired of it. Watching it today, I still like it but it does strike me as remarkably corny - pardon the pun. One of the reasons I think it sticks in my memory is the performances by Courtney Gains and John Franklin as Malachai and Isaac. They're iconic 80s horror performances. Whatever the reason may be, I reckon I've seen CHILDREN OF THE CORN at least twenty times in my life.


In other words, I'm a fan.


So when I heard that the SciFi Channel - oops, sorry... I meant SyFy Channel - was remaking the film, I was a bit disgusted. It wasn't so much because they film was being remade. Rather, it was because this remake was going to be a SyFy Original film. Need I say more?


But I watched the premiere tonight with a sense of excitement. From what I read, the story was going to be more true to the King short story and that is always a good thing. Then the film started and I realized why the 1984 film had been so radically changed. Simply put, nothing much happens in this film.


I'm not going to bother with a plot synopsis. If you haven't seen the original film, it's available on Google Video. A half hour at your local bookstore is all you'd need to read the short story. If you dislike plot spoilers, consider yourself warned.


Our main characters, to put it mildly, are so utterly obnoxious that it's hard to feel anything for them when the shit goes down. Trapped in the car with them for the first ten minutes or so and listening to them bitch at each other uninterrupted really tested my patience. Granted, this is keeping in line with the King story and - though to a much lesser degree - Fritz Kiersch's original film but here it felt so forced and so overblown that I kept hoping for a commercial break to come so I could revel in the cheery advertisements. The acting isn't exactly top-notch either and both David Anders and Kandyse McClure come off as completely obvious and over reaching. The rest of the first half of the film boils down to our couple driving from place to place, stopping to check for someone to help them with the dead body in their trunk. Inevitably, Burt wanders off leaving Vicki alone in the car while ominous POV shots indicate that they are not alone.


We have already been introduced to the killer children by that point and I must say that the representation of these kids pales in comparison to Kiersch's film. Whether it's the bottom-of-the-barrel cliched dialog that kills it or the second rate Amish wardrobes, the children in this film fail to elicit any kind of fear. The first - and only - confrontation between the children and our protagonists happens at about the mid-point of the film. The children trap Vicki in the car as Burt checks out an old Church. It's the best scene in the whole film. The children proceed to bash the living shit out of the car, hopping on the hood and smashing the windows. Vicki grabs a shotgun and shoots one of them dead - I can honestly say that I've never seen this many children get killed on television before. She doesn't last long after that. Burt hears the shots and comes running. Faced with a mob of weapon-wielding kinds, Burt - a Marine who returned not that long ago from Vietnam - takes them on, killing a few of them in surprising graphic fashion. Then he just takes off running and doesn't stop until ten minutes before the end of the film.


This is the centerpiece of the film and the care and attention given to it pays off. Unfortunately, nothing else in the film comes close to matching it. When you have to sit through half the movie to get to a really good scene only to have it be THE ONLY really good scene... well, that just sucks.


Burt and Vicki's fates are true to King's original story, a fact I appreciate. Director Donald Borchers wisely keeps the supernatural elements largely offscreen but tosses in some wonky ideas that don't work. For example, as Burt is running through the cornfield, he keeps having Vietnam flashbacks. Completely pointless except that it breaks up the utter monotony of a guy running through a cornfield for half an hour. In Kiersch's version of the film, Burt and Vicki stumble upon a couple of kids that want out of the cult. That allows him to add an extra layer of drama to the proceedings. It's silly but it works. Here, there's nothing for Burt to do except run away. This is where the nature of the source material becomes all too apparent. There isn't enough in King's story to fill 90 minutes. Borchers would have been wise to work in some kind of side story.


But in the end, it's not a bad film. It looks and feels like a direct-to-video film and will probably appeal mostly to people like myself who are fans of the original. Most SyFy Original films are absolute dreck and CHILDREN OF THE CORN is certainly the best thing they've ever been attached to. I just wanted a bit more.


Not recommended.