HATCHET

"Old School American Horror" is the tag line blazed across the the DVD cover of Adam Green's 2007 film HATCHET. I'm not quite sure what to make of that. Green and Co. might have set out to make a true blood slasher film but ultimately they have instead managed to create something closer to a spoof. Having watched slasher films since I was just a little boy, I don't think that this film necessarily fits right in with the slasher films of the 80s. It certainly doesn't feel like any of those films. Perhaps by "Old School American Horror", Green simply meant "a film full of gratuitous nudity, practical make-up effects and blood-soaked kills". But isn't that as true of horror now as it was back then?


Hatchet

So color me a bit confused. HATCHET certainly has a typical slasher film set-up. A bunch of people decide to go on a haunted bayou tour. They include a nerdy, heart-broken college student and his wise-cracking black friend, two dumb-as-nails girls, a seedy video producer, a quiet woman who may or may not have a secret, an older couple on vacation and their tour guide, a suspicious chap who may or may not be trustworthy. They get fairly deep into the swamp before their boat gets stuck. They hurry to get off the boat before it sinks. Once on land, the quiet woman suddenly becomes very loud. She is adamant that they need to leave quickly because, as we have already seen in the pre-credits sequence, this land belongs to Victor Crowley, a disfigured man who, legend says, will kill anyone who trespasses on his land. Sure enough, out comes Crowley and all hell breaks loose.


Hatchet Horror Film

There are no surprises in HATCHET. The whole film trucks down the same path as virtually every other slasher film around, a major disappointment as Green clearly knows his slasher film cliches and should have known better than to fall prey to them. Green's central objectives seem to be (1) making a movie that is funny and (2) making a movie that is gory. That's it. That's his entire agenda here. Problem is, I didn't laugh at 80% of the jokes being thrown around so the movie fails for me in that regard. All I have left to hang my hat on is the gore and that is not enough to maintain my interest in a film. I'm not sure how reliable Green's memory is in regards to the slasher film. Most of those films actually tried to be scary. Green can't seem to be bothered with attempting that. He's fine with having his killer jump out of the darkness periodically for a jump scare or two but that's really only so he can get to the gore.


Adam Green Hatchet

And HATCHET is fabulously gory. I will give Green and his crew a big thumbs up for putting on a good, bloody show. John Carl Buechler provides great, in-camera make-up effects and nearly every death is unique and memorable. But again, none of that is enough to keep me interested in the film. I need something else. How about characters who aren't consistently cracking jokes? How about a good, brisk plot? HATCHET doesn't have either of them. It's a plodding, tired retread of everything 80s and while that might work for you Gorehounds out there, it doesn't work for me.


Hatchet Adam Green

Come to think of it, maybe "Old School American Horror" does fit this film. It's loud, it's dumb and it's violent - the three ingredients of the post-FRIDAY THE 13TH slasher film. If Green's desire was to emulate the garbage that poured into cinemas on a monthly basis, then I have to say he succeeded. What a shame that is. When HATCHET was in theaters, all the buzz was about a "horror film made by a fan for the fans". Maybe what we need is less of that sort of thing. When horror fans make horror films, it seems they just want to relive their teenage years. While there is nothing really wrong with that, directors like Green seem to forget that the majority of us fans have grown up and grown out of that kind of thing. They seem to make the mistake of thinking that we, like them, have the same standards and the same likes and dislikes as we had when we were younger. Sorry to have to break it to him but not all of us do. We've grown up. Time for Green and his "Old School American Horror" to do the same.


Not recommended.