CURFEW

Directed by Gary Winick. United States. 1989.

Gary Winick’s 1989 home invasion / revenge flick CURFEW is desperately trying to be something akin to THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, gritty and unrelenting with a moralist message and a bad attitude. It gives us two brothers - mean, misogynist Ray and dimwit Bob - recently escaped from prison and out for blood. The brothers bump off everyone they believe to be responsible for their imprisonment. They should have started this spree by committing suicide. I’m a big believer in personal responsibility and taking ownership of your actions.

After slaughtering a psychiatrist, a judge, and multiple unrelated men and women, the brothers lay siege to the home of the District Attorney who brought the murder charges against them in the first place, a man named Walter. They tie up Walter, his wife Megan, and their teenage daughter Stephanie. Unlike the previous encounters we’ve seen that have ended in quick bursts of violence, the brothers take their time here, torturing the family over and over again, only stopping to off the high school quarterback (who is here to date rape Stephanie after she blew him off earlier) and his cornball friends.

But wait... Stephanie has a secret weapon: her wily feminine charms. And who better to use them on than dumb, horny Bob. Can Stephanie convince Bob to turn on his brother, or will Ray add three more notches on his murder belt? I’m sure the suspense is killing you.

Look, the best thing about CURFEW are the small cameos from Christopher Knight as a local cop and Bob Romanus as a diner employee. I wanted to watch that movie. I wanted to hang out at the diner and listen to those two jackasses shoot the shit. I didn’t want to hang out with the insufferable Stephanie and her asshole friends. Their idea of a good time is rolling around in a dirt patch on the side of the road, making out on what looks like a fairly cold evening. And because this film was executive produced by hotel magnate Rick Hilton, we get Kyle Richards in the lead role. That’s never a good thing. She’s kinda weird looking and obviously doesn’t want to be in this film. I’m 99% sure her performance is an attempt at sabotage.

Just leave me in the diner, please. I don’t want to watch a movie where a character manages to escape the killers by catching a ride with an old man, only to be quickly run off the road. The old man exits his car and is swiftly brained by Bob. Stephanie then just drives off. She turns up at the diner because the only cop in town is Chris Knight (and he’s currently busy playing the lead role in the film I want to watch, goddammit). He immediately dismisses her story and drives back home where she is promptly scooped up by the brothers. So what did that seven minute stretch of film achieve? One badly concussed old man and that’s it? She ended up right back where she was. Thanks for dragging out the running time, movie.

The film does this a lot. It recycles set pieces over and over again to pad out the running time. The film would have (maybe) been much better had it slowly unspooled its plot. Instead of the brothers showing up at the Davenport house to abuse Walter's family at the 30 minute mark, maybe have it at the 45 minute mark. Or maybe even at the start of the third act. Or maybe just not at all. Maybe just stay in the diner and listen to Romanus and Knight bust each other’s balls for 90 minutes.

I simply didn’t care about anyone in this film, and that’s not ideal when your entire narrative revolves around whether or not a family is butchered. It wants to be an edgy, nail biter, but it lacks the guts to push you into uncomfortable territory. Ray spray paints Megan. That’s about it. Sure, he makes Walter walk on broken glass in his bare feet, but have you met Walter? Who gives a crap? Not me. Stephanie’s face is too small for her head and she won’t stop whining. At one point, the brothers are fighting to the death and Megan is screaming "STOP!!!" What the fuck do you mean ‘stop’?! Whose side are you on, Mom?

Honestly, the only fun thing about CURFEW is using it as a vehicle for a little game I like to call “is Ray’s gun loaded this time?”. It’s a fun game. Every time Ray points his gun, pause the movie. Now everyone guesses whether the gun is loaded or empty. Trust me, folks, it’s completely random. Sometimes it has bullets, sometimes it doesn’t. And considering we never see him load it or unload it, it’s anyone’s guess. So make one. Unpause the movie and find out. Is Ray’s gun empty or did it magically spawn new bullets? If you guessed correctly, you get to go watch something better for 10 minutes. If you guessed wrong, well, tough shit, Sonny Jim, you’re stuck with CURFEW. Just like me. Sucks to be us.