NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW
Directed by Jeff Burr. 1995. United States.
Is it even possible for a scarecrow to punch a man so hard that he flies through the air? Moreover, could a scarecrow even lift a man off the ground? After all, it’s just a shirt and pants stuffed full of straw. Wouldn’t it just collapse at the knees if it tried to walk? I remember when The Walking Dead was super popular and all the Reddit threads were asking “Who is mowing the grass?” I kept thinking, who the fuck cares about that when there are reanimated corpses walking around? Like, you can get past zombies but not the lawns in the background?
And yet here I am, unable to get past the scene where a possessed scarecrow sends a man flying backwards with a swing of its arm. Does a possession cause straw and hay to become as strong as bone? Maybe. That’s a thought. It might be the only thing that makes this possible. But the scarecrow in the movie is still made of straw, so I really need to work this out. Otherwise, how am I supposed to be able to take this killer scarecrow movie seriously? So, an average full-grown man weighs about 200 pounds, so that’s 90 kilograms give or take. The strike force would need to exceed the downforce force of gravity, so that’s Fg = m X g = 90kg X 9.81m/s2 = 882 N, and the man flies at least 10 feet, which means the kinematics would be something like v 2 = vo2 +2ax, and that leads me to conclude that I need to go touch some of that freshly mown grass.
Also, I don’t think any of that math makes sense, but neither does the scarecrow in this movie. It doesn’t just punch a man off his feet. It teleports around, makes bad puns, and grunts in pain when it’s shot. After they dig up the remains of the warlock possessing the scarecrow, the lead actress starts punching the box holding the bones, causing the scarecrow to flail around in agony. That’s weird, right? Even weirder is when it seems to materialize out of bales of hay. Also, why would a scarecrow possessed by a century-old warlock make puns in the first place? How can it even talk if it doesn’t have lungs? How can it make a P sound without lips?
I’m sorry, you must be confused by now, or think I’ve lost my marbles. I haven’t. I’ve never owned marbles. I still don’t believe any child has ever owned or played with marbles. That’s a fiction created by the media, like the existence of birds or the female orgasm. Just myths. But you’re not here to read about that. You want to read about the scarecrow and Bruce Glover weepily fondling an underwear catalogue.
A long time ago, a warlock came to town and told everyone that he would make the crops grow as long as no one interfered with his hedonistic orgies. Mayor Silas Goodman was happy to comply until his daughter started attending those sex parties. At that point, the deal was off. The townfolk wrangled the warlock and crucified him, burying his remains in a sealed coffin in the cornfield. The Mayor takes the warlock’s spellbook and marks the page that tells the reader how to defeat the warlock if he ever comes back to life. Why the hell would the warlock write a page like that in his own spellbook? Doesn’t that defeat the point? Also, wouldn't someone need to cast a spell to bring the warlock back to life in the first place? Why is a resurrection spell instantaneously cast if a headstone is moved? Is it like a malevolent, magical car alarm?
Sorry. I’m doing it again.
In the present day, the new Mayor, William Goodman, makes plans to raze the cornfield and build a new mall there. His estranged daughter, Claire, returns to town, capturing the heart and loins of local dreamboat, Dillon. We’re introduced to the rest of the family, Uncle George (a drunk), Uncle Frank (a Cop), and Uncle Thaddeus (a Priest). We also meet Thaddeus’s wife and daughter, played by the goddamn gorgeous duo of Martine Beswick and Cristi Harris. Don’t get attached to any of these people.
Two disphits messing around with a bulldozer break open the coffin in the cornfield, and the spirit of the warlock possesses the corny-looking scarecrow the Goodman family erected as a burial marker. In short order, the scarecrow runs over George with a thresher, turns his daughter into a human scarecrow, stitches Thaddeus’s mouth shut, kills John Hawkes off-screen, and somehow the cops think Dillion did all of it. What does the warlock want? Why his spellbook, of course. So it’s off to the races. Who is going to get to the book first, the evil scarecrow or Claire and Dillon?
So NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW is the movie you would rent on a Friday night because the movie you wanted to see was out of stock. You’d pick it up, look at the back, shrug, and think “why not?” I mean, what the fuck else were you going to do? You were unpopular, didn’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend, and USA Up All Night didn’t start until 11. You needed something to pass the time. The most you hoped for was some gore and titties. Nothing else mattered. You paid your $1.50, took the movie home, and that was that. Like it or not, you were watching NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW.
And did I like it?
It is absolutely inoffensive. The pacing is nice and quick, the runtime is brief, and the gore is plentiful. Is it dumb? Absolutely. The cops declare George’s death to be an accident, but how does a drunk accidentally pin himself to a wall with a thresher? They move more slowly than a geriatric cripple. After George’s death, Claire and Dillion head to a bar, where Claire tells a couple of rowdy punks to show some respect for her uncle’s death. Is this a bar or a wake? And then she starts sucking face with Dillion two minutes later anyway. Jesus Christ, show some respect, Claire. A couple of rough-housing cops pull a handcuffed Dillion out of a cop car, only to make him put his hands on the hood of the very cop car he was just locked inside of. Just leave him in the fucking car! While trying to pull the warlock’s remains out of the ground, Dillion has Claire hold him by the ankles so he doesn’t fall into the grave. Dude, she weighs 60 pounds less than you. Why are you not holding her ankles?
Oh God, I’m doing it again. I’m so sorry. I can’t help myself.
Who cares? I mean, really, who gives a single shit? This is a stupid movie about a possessed scarecrow. You picked it up with the full knowledge that what you were going to get was nothing more than that. And you know what? As a Friday night B-movie, you could do a hell of a lot worse. For starters, Jeff Burr directs the high holy hell out of this movie. It looks great, and the camerawork is on point with some really interesting choices (introducing the family entirely from a first-person perspective was a great choice) and compositions. The death scenes are fantastic as well, with some great, gross-out effects and gnarly Foley work. The ending is a bit overlong with one too many false endings, and the fact that it concludes with the world’s worst THE WIZARD OF OZ reference was just ughhh, but overall, it’s brief, it’s brutal, and it’s dumber than a box of warlock bones.